One Marble at a Time

Thursday:
What a great day! This three day class was really good. I was energized and really felt I connected and they got it.

Friday:
This morning I led a class at the jail in Wayne County. It went well. I began with a post from my friend Jules called “Leaving Normal.” It catapulted us into such good conversation that I wondered if we were going to get to the other stuff I brought. It was so cool. Then I went over 20 tips for saving money. Some of them were so practical. It was quite thought provoking. Then I finished our session with some information I got from another favorite’s diary: the 4 Agreements. It was one of the best groups I’ve had there.

While we were talking about the agreement directed at not taking things personally, one of the guys shared that someone had challenged him to not complain for three weeks. He said he made it one week. He thought I could make it to next Wednesday. I saw value, but couldn’t imagine it for myself. I shared the idea as soon as I got back to the office. I just didn’t know how important the concept was going to be.

This afternoon I was called into meet with my supervisor and the president for my evaluation. It was the worst one I’ve ever had. A couple people from one of the counties emailed Dan/Bob to say that I just don’t seem happy. I was also told I’m not making enough employer contacts (I knew this is an area I need improvement on and am already trying). They went on to say: I’m difficult to approach. I’m defensive. And, I’m not a team player. So now I will be happy all the time. I will be whatever I need to be. I really do enjoy my job, even with its frustrating moments. More importantly, I need my job. I can’t get another job that pays this well and with Nelson’s upcoming pay reduction due to surgery we can’t afford for me to be without work or pay.

Saturday:
I didn’t sleep well last night. I was awake from 2:47 until I finally made myself roll out of bed at 5:59. I must have composed a hundred letters and had fifty conversations in response to the evaluation from yesterday. My stomach is churning. I would love to just hibernate, see no one--the last thing I want to do is smile and be chipper, but I need to leave in a moment to go work at Curves.

Saturday Afternoon:
I’m back from Curves. It was an okay day. The new owner was in to work out first thing. Our interchange was really good. She brings a lot of positive energy. Today I decked out in pink. It seemed to help my mood.

Asher and Nelson are playing with the blocks to a marble raceway. Nelson bought it off eBay and thought he was getting something else. Nothing connects and it’s way to easy for Asher to bump and knock it over. He’s definitely learning to move more slowly, how to listen and trust Pepa, and the importance of one at a time. Now Nelson is planning how to make his own raceway. I’m just sitting here in front of the bay window in my living room, soaking in the sunshine and laughing with these boys (big and little) having fun with marbles. I’m also trying to figure out how to be happy.

The comments I received yesterday were that I’ve seemed unhappy for the past few months. What I do know is that is how long I’ve been feeling overwhelm, stressed, and exhausted. I have felt lonely and ahendonic (lacking the joy pleasurable things once brought me)--these are classic symptoms of depression, but they are also among the symptoms I’ve been reading about that are associated with hypothyroidism. I’m going to try a product recommended by Curves that uses natural products to address the problem and see if that alleviates any of the symptoms. I won’t be working as much anymore: only one Saturday a month at Curves, so that should help some, too.

I wish I could take a video of these boys and their marbles. I can’t help but sit here and smile.