Where does depression hurt? Right now, in my stomach. This is probably the first time in my life where I'm not feeding my depression. I actually walked past donuts at work the other day. Someone brought in a box of bakery glazed donuts and I didn't even go near them. I just don't have any appetite.
My stomach had been aching for days now. The up side: I've lost a few pounds. Since June 1 I've lost eleven pounds. But I'm not even enjoying it.
This morning I went out garage saling. I got a Little Tikes wagon. I had a good cry while I drove around town looking for goodies. God and I had a long conversation. I poured out my heart and my hurt. I've been trying to act like everything's okay...and it's not. I'm angry and hurt and most of all scared.
I spent most of the afternoon checking out jobs on the internet and playing with Asher. Once he went to sleep I went to Aldi's to get groceries. When I got there the sky opened up and I ended up sitting in the car for about 10 minutes waiting for it to let up a bit. I went in and filled up a banana box of stuff we needed. When I got up to the register I realized I didn't have my card. They only take debit cards and I realized I had left mine at the ATM when I got cash this morning to go garage saling. I was just sick. I apologized all over myself to the cashier and raced out to the car to call Nelson to see about canceling the card.
I cried on the way home and my stomach ache grew worse. How could I be so dumb? When I got home Nelson called the bank's 800# and they told us that nothing had been charged on the account and most likely the card was at the bank. If you don't take your card within 15 seconds of the transaction the machine eats it. The lady told Nelson that I could call the bank and get it on Monday. There was some comfort in that but I still felt dumb.
Now I have to go back out in the rain and go to the IGA market, write a check for my groceries and over the amount so that I can go back and pick up the things we need at Aldi's.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Rhythm
I didn’t work at the factory today. My body said thank you. Right now my hands hurt, ache, throb. When I drove Nelson to the doctor today, they kept falling asleep. When I was mowing the lawn tonight, they went completely numb.
I’m trying to stay positive. I have applied to numerous jobs online with absolutely nothing positive coming out of it. I put in aps as far north as Cleveland and as far south as Columbus. Truth is: I know no one is going to hire me. It’s not that I’m not qualified. It’s not that I wouldn’t be a good employee. I would and could be the best, but I will never get past the background check. No temp service will utilize me. They can’t according to their policies. I’m not being pessimistic. I’m being completely realistic. And it’s starting to discourage me.
So I will work as long and as often as I can at the factory. The one thing I like is the hours: 7AM to 3:30PM is nice. It’s good to be done when I’m done.
I’ve realized one of the things I need to change is my pace, or rhythm. I want to rush. I want equity. I want perfection. I need to surrender on all counts. Thursday and Friday I worked with a guy who I really work well with. A couple different times his response to my hurried movements was to ask why I was in such a rush. I had no response—then. I think I do now.
Yesterday I was thinking, and I was reminded about something I found powerful in Henry Blackaby’s book, “Experiencing God.” In one of the chapters he writes about John the Baptist and how he did his job and then lost his head. If John had known that he was only going to be in “ministry” for about three months and then be beheaded, would he have signed up for the gig? Would you? Would I?
My “gig” with the Transformation Network lasted a lot longer than three months. I had such an amazing opportunity to touch the lives of so many people. As I was pressing studs, I went through a list of the people I had the privilege to cross paths with. And I didn’t lose my head!
So did I finish my task? Was I released because I was done? And now I’m back in the factory to learnnnnnnnn? Patience. Rhythm? No intensity is needed there. Parts come and go. Orders are completed, but the work is never done. The parts just keep coming. I’ve spent my life “finishing” things and now it feels weird because I don’t feel like I finish anything. This smacks me right in the place I struggle with: process. I want to arrive so badly that I miss journey.
I need to work on this some more. I wasn’t going to invest in jeans and t-shirts. Maybe I can find some at a garage sale, just in case this is the lesson.
I’m trying to stay positive. I have applied to numerous jobs online with absolutely nothing positive coming out of it. I put in aps as far north as Cleveland and as far south as Columbus. Truth is: I know no one is going to hire me. It’s not that I’m not qualified. It’s not that I wouldn’t be a good employee. I would and could be the best, but I will never get past the background check. No temp service will utilize me. They can’t according to their policies. I’m not being pessimistic. I’m being completely realistic. And it’s starting to discourage me.
So I will work as long and as often as I can at the factory. The one thing I like is the hours: 7AM to 3:30PM is nice. It’s good to be done when I’m done.
I’ve realized one of the things I need to change is my pace, or rhythm. I want to rush. I want equity. I want perfection. I need to surrender on all counts. Thursday and Friday I worked with a guy who I really work well with. A couple different times his response to my hurried movements was to ask why I was in such a rush. I had no response—then. I think I do now.
Yesterday I was thinking, and I was reminded about something I found powerful in Henry Blackaby’s book, “Experiencing God.” In one of the chapters he writes about John the Baptist and how he did his job and then lost his head. If John had known that he was only going to be in “ministry” for about three months and then be beheaded, would he have signed up for the gig? Would you? Would I?
My “gig” with the Transformation Network lasted a lot longer than three months. I had such an amazing opportunity to touch the lives of so many people. As I was pressing studs, I went through a list of the people I had the privilege to cross paths with. And I didn’t lose my head!
So did I finish my task? Was I released because I was done? And now I’m back in the factory to learnnnnnnnn? Patience. Rhythm? No intensity is needed there. Parts come and go. Orders are completed, but the work is never done. The parts just keep coming. I’ve spent my life “finishing” things and now it feels weird because I don’t feel like I finish anything. This smacks me right in the place I struggle with: process. I want to arrive so badly that I miss journey.
I need to work on this some more. I wasn’t going to invest in jeans and t-shirts. Maybe I can find some at a garage sale, just in case this is the lesson.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Soaring Summary
On Monday I kept wondering how many times one has to be broken?
On Tuesday I fretted away the major portion of the day thinking I had inadvertantly negated my severence package--a totally unintentional thing. At the end of the work day a trusted friend offered to check into the matter. My mind was put to rest.
After work I went and bought new steel toe workboots. My feet are aching terribly and the old one's were well worn and broken down. I thought better support might help. I also went to Goodwill and bought two black t-shirts and a pair of jeans. I wanted to buy another pair of jeans for work, but there were no more in my size. I felt pretty good about getting the jeans and t's for just over $9.
Today I began the day by singing hymns and praise songs. I sang from the moment my machine began running until first break (2 hours). The time flew by and my spirit was soaring.
After break I used the time to pray. I determined I was not going to waste any more of my days fretting. Oh, I was greeted on my way to first break by my trusted, generous friend and he assured me that I had not negated the contract and all was well. This was such a relief.
I am blessed to be able to work tomorrow, but then I am taking Friday off because I need to take Nelson to the doctor to get his stitches out.
I think I'll rest now and read a few favs. TTFN.
On Tuesday I fretted away the major portion of the day thinking I had inadvertantly negated my severence package--a totally unintentional thing. At the end of the work day a trusted friend offered to check into the matter. My mind was put to rest.
After work I went and bought new steel toe workboots. My feet are aching terribly and the old one's were well worn and broken down. I thought better support might help. I also went to Goodwill and bought two black t-shirts and a pair of jeans. I wanted to buy another pair of jeans for work, but there were no more in my size. I felt pretty good about getting the jeans and t's for just over $9.
Today I began the day by singing hymns and praise songs. I sang from the moment my machine began running until first break (2 hours). The time flew by and my spirit was soaring.
After break I used the time to pray. I determined I was not going to waste any more of my days fretting. Oh, I was greeted on my way to first break by my trusted, generous friend and he assured me that I had not negated the contract and all was well. This was such a relief.
I am blessed to be able to work tomorrow, but then I am taking Friday off because I need to take Nelson to the doctor to get his stitches out.
I think I'll rest now and read a few favs. TTFN.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
A Sweet Sunday
I was so blessed this morning at church. In ABF we discussed being thankful. Counting our blessings was mentioned and at the end of the hour I was just a bit teary. A very precious man in class gave Nelson what I assumed was just a get well card. It was a card, but so much more. As I opened it up a gift card to a local grocer fell into my lap. A blessing that brought more tears.
We attend the traditional worship service since that’s the service the choir sings at. Today the special music was brought by the early service worship team. All three songs they shared were written by members of the group. It was amazing and powerful. One of the songs contained a phrase in the chorus: He is the God of the impossible….nothing is hard for Him. Needless to say I wished I had a box of tissues with me! And I had to lead the rest of the worship and bring the morning prayer.
As I started to pray I was captured by the phrase from the chorus and it came to me that there were two ways (at least) to interpret it. First, there’s the obvious or familiar thinking of God being the One who can handle what we would see as impossible. But I began to find comfort in the thought that God is still God in the impossible, in the “how did I get here?” “how could this be happening to me?” moments of life. I may feel blind-sided, but none of it takes God by surprise.
I have found such support and encouragement in the comments that I’ve received the last few days. One quote has been very helpful and I’ve shared it with several people: "Some of the best decisions I've ever made were actually made for me." I spent the whole afternoon surfing the internet and applying for jobs. I have a list of several other positions that I have to apply to by snail mail. I’ll get on those on Tuesday.
Tomorrow I’ll work at the factory and I’ll be okay. And then I’ll be stopping at the old job spot to get all my stuff. I just don’t know where I’ll put it when I get it home. Guess I’ll just leave it in the attic for now. Sweet dreams.
We attend the traditional worship service since that’s the service the choir sings at. Today the special music was brought by the early service worship team. All three songs they shared were written by members of the group. It was amazing and powerful. One of the songs contained a phrase in the chorus: He is the God of the impossible….nothing is hard for Him. Needless to say I wished I had a box of tissues with me! And I had to lead the rest of the worship and bring the morning prayer.
As I started to pray I was captured by the phrase from the chorus and it came to me that there were two ways (at least) to interpret it. First, there’s the obvious or familiar thinking of God being the One who can handle what we would see as impossible. But I began to find comfort in the thought that God is still God in the impossible, in the “how did I get here?” “how could this be happening to me?” moments of life. I may feel blind-sided, but none of it takes God by surprise.
I have found such support and encouragement in the comments that I’ve received the last few days. One quote has been very helpful and I’ve shared it with several people: "Some of the best decisions I've ever made were actually made for me." I spent the whole afternoon surfing the internet and applying for jobs. I have a list of several other positions that I have to apply to by snail mail. I’ll get on those on Tuesday.
Tomorrow I’ll work at the factory and I’ll be okay. And then I’ll be stopping at the old job spot to get all my stuff. I just don’t know where I’ll put it when I get it home. Guess I’ll just leave it in the attic for now. Sweet dreams.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Notes from a Saturday
went to bed early last night. I slept like a rock. That didn't surprise me too much since every muscle in my body ached and I was totally exhausted.
I was up at 6am. I was working on updating my resume. It's getting better. If anyone is interested in proofing it and giving me a critique leave me a private message with your email. I really open to getting the best resume possible.
It's been a quiet day for the most part. I was either playing with Asher or surfing the net for jobs. Then this evening I took Nelson to get a haircut and got mine trimmed. Afterwards we had dinner at the Chinese Buffet just down from Great Clips.
Yesterday I had a couple teary moments. One came at work when the gal I was working the line with told me that she thought that I needed to be doing something so much more than studding parts. Then one of my favorite writers posted a response to my job loss. It was so meaningful to me. I read it to Nelson and he was touched by it, too.
I am really feeling lost. I'm 51 and I have never been let go from a job. I don't know how to do this. I'm not worried. I know I'll be called to work in the factory--I just don't know how long my body can take that physical punishment. I guess I just want...need some direction. I know there's a plan for me, which includes hope and a future (Jer. 29:11), I just wish I could peek and see what it is.
Well, I think I'll turn this silly thing off and go to bed. Sweet dreams
I was up at 6am. I was working on updating my resume. It's getting better. If anyone is interested in proofing it and giving me a critique leave me a private message with your email. I really open to getting the best resume possible.
It's been a quiet day for the most part. I was either playing with Asher or surfing the net for jobs. Then this evening I took Nelson to get a haircut and got mine trimmed. Afterwards we had dinner at the Chinese Buffet just down from Great Clips.
Yesterday I had a couple teary moments. One came at work when the gal I was working the line with told me that she thought that I needed to be doing something so much more than studding parts. Then one of my favorite writers posted a response to my job loss. It was so meaningful to me. I read it to Nelson and he was touched by it, too.
I am really feeling lost. I'm 51 and I have never been let go from a job. I don't know how to do this. I'm not worried. I know I'll be called to work in the factory--I just don't know how long my body can take that physical punishment. I guess I just want...need some direction. I know there's a plan for me, which includes hope and a future (Jer. 29:11), I just wish I could peek and see what it is.
Well, I think I'll turn this silly thing off and go to bed. Sweet dreams
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Further explanation...
When I met with the CEO, he explained that my skills (teaching and working with people) were not the skills that they were going to need given the direction that the company was going.
Here's how I'm chosing to look at it: I'm good at what I do, but what I do well is not what they want. It's just no longer a good fit. So it's time for me to be elsewhere.
I came home from the office this morning cried on Nelson for about 5 minutes and then got busy. The first thing I did was send an email to the wonderful ABF we're a part of at church and asked for prayer. The second call I made was to my former supervisor at the factory I was working at before I accepted this position. He said he would keep me in mind. He called back in about an hour and I will be working on an as-needed basis there--starting tomorrow. I had to go take a drug test--there's a hoot!
Nelson came downstairs and Mom, George, Nelson and I played Pinochole. Mom and I won a game and the boys won two. Mom really likes to play. She and I played four games of Scrabble and she won them all. Two of the four games she had 2 seven letter words. Hard to come back on that.
I requested to pick my stuff up on Monday. I just didn't want to mess with it while Mom, George, Ann, and the kids are here.
Here's how I'm chosing to look at it: I'm good at what I do, but what I do well is not what they want. It's just no longer a good fit. So it's time for me to be elsewhere.
I came home from the office this morning cried on Nelson for about 5 minutes and then got busy. The first thing I did was send an email to the wonderful ABF we're a part of at church and asked for prayer. The second call I made was to my former supervisor at the factory I was working at before I accepted this position. He said he would keep me in mind. He called back in about an hour and I will be working on an as-needed basis there--starting tomorrow. I had to go take a drug test--there's a hoot!
Nelson came downstairs and Mom, George, Nelson and I played Pinochole. Mom and I won a game and the boys won two. Mom really likes to play. She and I played four games of Scrabble and she won them all. Two of the four games she had 2 seven letter words. Hard to come back on that.
I requested to pick my stuff up on Monday. I just didn't want to mess with it while Mom, George, Ann, and the kids are here.
Rough Morning
This morning I taught the class in Ashland. We watched a segment from Bruce Wilkinson's The Dream Giver on the purpose of the Wasteland in getting to our dream. (Think David living in caves before becoming king or Joseph in the prison before becoming in charge of Egypt.)I talked about how we can't beat our head upon the closed door, but instead look for the next thing. Guess I must have needed the message.
Shortly after the class, my supervisor paged me to say that he and the CEO wanted to meet with me at 11:00. First words out of CEO's mouth: we have to let you go. They offered me a severence package, took my keys and phone, and escorted me directly out of the building. CEO will pack my things and I can pick them up after 1:00 today.
So I better dust off my resume and hit the pavement. It's pretty hard for people with felony convictions to find work this day, but it must be time for this one to find a new job.
Pray for me...us.
Shortly after the class, my supervisor paged me to say that he and the CEO wanted to meet with me at 11:00. First words out of CEO's mouth: we have to let you go. They offered me a severence package, took my keys and phone, and escorted me directly out of the building. CEO will pack my things and I can pick them up after 1:00 today.
So I better dust off my resume and hit the pavement. It's pretty hard for people with felony convictions to find work this day, but it must be time for this one to find a new job.
Pray for me...us.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Where have I been?
I decided to clean like a crazy woman on Monday night. I figured that way the house might still be presentable on Tuesday when my mom arrived. It was a good choice in spite of the insanity and tension on Monday night.
Monday afternoon Beth drove Nelson to his follow up appointment with the doc. They changed the dressing and did an xray. Everything seems to be healing well. He goes back next Friday to get his staples removed. He's six weeks non-weight bearing.
Tuesday and Wednesday I worked as short a day as I could, getting home about 3 each day. Mom and I have played 8 games of Scrabble and I'm ahead 5 to 3. ") The greatest challenge is playing with Asher around. We gave him his own letters (from another game) and slate and let him keep score. He can tell you all the letters and the points on each one, too. And he's only 2 1/2. This kids just keeps amazing me.
George has been hanging out with Nelson. Today the watched several westerns...they both seemed to enjoy that!
Ann, Pnel, and Caden got here around 8:30. I know they were just here last week, but it's nice to have them back.
Tomorrow and Friday I'm working half days so I can come home and play more Scrabble...I mean visit with Mom and George. (Insert hugest of smiles!)
Monday afternoon Beth drove Nelson to his follow up appointment with the doc. They changed the dressing and did an xray. Everything seems to be healing well. He goes back next Friday to get his staples removed. He's six weeks non-weight bearing.
Tuesday and Wednesday I worked as short a day as I could, getting home about 3 each day. Mom and I have played 8 games of Scrabble and I'm ahead 5 to 3. ") The greatest challenge is playing with Asher around. We gave him his own letters (from another game) and slate and let him keep score. He can tell you all the letters and the points on each one, too. And he's only 2 1/2. This kids just keeps amazing me.
George has been hanging out with Nelson. Today the watched several westerns...they both seemed to enjoy that!
Ann, Pnel, and Caden got here around 8:30. I know they were just here last week, but it's nice to have them back.
Tomorrow and Friday I'm working half days so I can come home and play more Scrabble...I mean visit with Mom and George. (Insert hugest of smiles!)
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Boat Report
What an amazing day.
We met at the office to drive together to Sandusky. Everyone was silly. Most of the people who said they wanted to go found a reason to stay back. So it was TNET main staff and two of the guys we work with. We went in two vehicles. I rode with the Pres while the VP was in the other vehicle. VP wanted to go another way and it was on to see who could get there first. We won, of course.
I was the only woman from our group on the trip. When we got to the boat I was pleased to find that the first mate was a woman from church that I knew. We talked a lot both coming and going. She’s a school liaison at the career center and a breast cancer survivor. The more we talked the more we realized we had in common.
It was threatening storm so we didn’t ever get the sales up. We set off from Sandusky and headed to Kelley’s Island. On the trip over I stayed midship to avoid getting sick. About halfway over, the strom found us. The winds picked up, the lake was really choppy, the rain beat down on us, and there was lightening all around. By the time we got to KI the storm subsided and shortly after docking the sun came out.
There’s a tradition on the Journey and with Babout that the newbies have to walk the Courage Walk. I knew this and I had been preparing myself for it. For some reason I got it in my head that anyone can do the Courage Walk in the calm, so I was going to do mine in the middle of the storm. And I did. I wasn’t doing the full Titanic thing off the front of the boat, but I was up there. And it was cool.
When we got to the island the guys took off and I ended up shopping alone. That was really okay. It was so nice just to stroll and browse through the shops. The one shop I heard so much about had a sign in the door that they would be back at 3:00--right when we were supposed to leave. It was probably for the best since what was enticing about that shop was the fact that they sold fudge. There were so many things I would have bought but talked myself out of. I ended up buying a refrigerator magnet for Nelson about duct tape.
The houses on the island were so amazing. I really felt like I could just stay there forever. I remembered all the time we spent at my aunt and uncle;s cottage as kids. It struck me as odd today that they now lived in the dessert of Arizona. Nelson told me he didn’t think I could live on an island, that I would be able to escape the storms. There was a time when that really would have been an issue, but I’m just not so sure any more. One of the t-shirts I saw was imprinted with: On KI Time. I’m thinking I could catch that rhythm.
It’s Saturday morning now as I finish typing my thoughts from yesterday. The rain is still coming down. My mom is coming to visit next week (17th-20th) and I really should clean. I am totally unmotivated to do it. Must still be on some of that KI time.
I pray you catch a breeze, see something amazing, find new courage, and walk with a more grace-full rhythm.
We met at the office to drive together to Sandusky. Everyone was silly. Most of the people who said they wanted to go found a reason to stay back. So it was TNET main staff and two of the guys we work with. We went in two vehicles. I rode with the Pres while the VP was in the other vehicle. VP wanted to go another way and it was on to see who could get there first. We won, of course.
I was the only woman from our group on the trip. When we got to the boat I was pleased to find that the first mate was a woman from church that I knew. We talked a lot both coming and going. She’s a school liaison at the career center and a breast cancer survivor. The more we talked the more we realized we had in common.
It was threatening storm so we didn’t ever get the sales up. We set off from Sandusky and headed to Kelley’s Island. On the trip over I stayed midship to avoid getting sick. About halfway over, the strom found us. The winds picked up, the lake was really choppy, the rain beat down on us, and there was lightening all around. By the time we got to KI the storm subsided and shortly after docking the sun came out.
There’s a tradition on the Journey and with Babout that the newbies have to walk the Courage Walk. I knew this and I had been preparing myself for it. For some reason I got it in my head that anyone can do the Courage Walk in the calm, so I was going to do mine in the middle of the storm. And I did. I wasn’t doing the full Titanic thing off the front of the boat, but I was up there. And it was cool.
When we got to the island the guys took off and I ended up shopping alone. That was really okay. It was so nice just to stroll and browse through the shops. The one shop I heard so much about had a sign in the door that they would be back at 3:00--right when we were supposed to leave. It was probably for the best since what was enticing about that shop was the fact that they sold fudge. There were so many things I would have bought but talked myself out of. I ended up buying a refrigerator magnet for Nelson about duct tape.
The houses on the island were so amazing. I really felt like I could just stay there forever. I remembered all the time we spent at my aunt and uncle;s cottage as kids. It struck me as odd today that they now lived in the dessert of Arizona. Nelson told me he didn’t think I could live on an island, that I would be able to escape the storms. There was a time when that really would have been an issue, but I’m just not so sure any more. One of the t-shirts I saw was imprinted with: On KI Time. I’m thinking I could catch that rhythm.
It’s Saturday morning now as I finish typing my thoughts from yesterday. The rain is still coming down. My mom is coming to visit next week (17th-20th) and I really should clean. I am totally unmotivated to do it. Must still be on some of that KI time.
I pray you catch a breeze, see something amazing, find new courage, and walk with a more grace-full rhythm.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Today
Today is the boat trip where I get to face my fears.
Check out this boat: www.babout.org
I will be back this evening to let you know how I did.
Check out this boat: www.babout.org
I will be back this evening to let you know how I did.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Home Now
Well, we’re finally home. I stopped off at the office and called in to the county office to let them know I wasn’t coming in today. Then I took off for Akron to get Nelson.
When I arrived, Nelson informed me that he had already seen the doctor (orthopedic intern) and been released by PT. It was about 10am. About that time his nurse came in and took his blood pressure. It was 176/90something. She wasn’t happy. They gave him a vicodin to see if reducing pain would reduce the BP. When they came in again it had come down a little, not enough to make them smile or release him.
A couple more checks and they decided to push some BP meds. Then we had to wait and see if that was going to work. I ordered “Nelson’s” lunch and ate it. It was free and he wasn’t hungry. (My compliments to the chef!) Finally, at 1:15 the nurse got an acceptable BP. At 2:00 she gave him another vicodin and read us his release orders. We were out of there and on the road at about 2:45. We got home and got Nelson right in bed.
Ann and the kids are here. Nelson is sleeping. I’m going to watch the Top Chef finale and then I think I’ll crash. TTFN
When I arrived, Nelson informed me that he had already seen the doctor (orthopedic intern) and been released by PT. It was about 10am. About that time his nurse came in and took his blood pressure. It was 176/90something. She wasn’t happy. They gave him a vicodin to see if reducing pain would reduce the BP. When they came in again it had come down a little, not enough to make them smile or release him.
A couple more checks and they decided to push some BP meds. Then we had to wait and see if that was going to work. I ordered “Nelson’s” lunch and ate it. It was free and he wasn’t hungry. (My compliments to the chef!) Finally, at 1:15 the nurse got an acceptable BP. At 2:00 she gave him another vicodin and read us his release orders. We were out of there and on the road at about 2:45. We got home and got Nelson right in bed.
Ann and the kids are here. Nelson is sleeping. I’m going to watch the Top Chef finale and then I think I’ll crash. TTFN
Surgery Report
First, I want to thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts. Y’all really blessed me on this one. Now one to the surgery update.
Well, what we have here is a failure to communicate. Out-patient surgery. When you hear that, what do you think? We made the erroneous assumption that it meant that Nelson would be coming home after his surgery. When he went through the paperwork with the OPS nurse who prepped him nothing was mentioned to make us think otherwise. The doctor came in and boom: he was now staying overnight. Say what? He would be staying overnight and would be released in the morning.
When this all began, I told my employers that I wanted to take off both the day of and after surgery. Because we thought he was coming home the night of surgery and would most likely be sleeping all day the next day I made arrangements to work half day today and all tomorrow. Now, I’m hanging out in the surgery waiting room trying to figure out I’m going to get Nelson home.
I’m not upset that Nelson is spending the night. I was hoping that they would keep him a while and monitor (and medicate) his pain. But now I’m concerned about him getting home tomorrow while I’m at work. I called my supervisor and apologized for the possible need to cancel my work/appointments tomorrow. He didn’t answer so I left a message.
Then I called Beth to brainstorm with her. She’s willing to drive up to Akron and get Nelson in the morning. The only problem is that we’re not sure when the doctor will release him. If it’s early, that’s no problem, but if it’s late, Beth has to work. As soon as I was done with Beth, Bob called and said he’d understand if I’d have to cancel tomorrow. I wouldn’t be so worried about taking time off if I hadn’t been sick two weeks ago. Right now my head hurts.
When the anesthesiologist met with Nelson today he said he could tell as he walked toward Nelson that he was going to be a problem. He suggested a spinal block instead of general anesthesia. They just called (4:55PM) from the OR to say that they were running behind.
*****************************************************************************
Home again, home again. As the clock ticked towards 6:30 I was starting to feel a little fretful in my gut. I was trying to not imagine the worst, but it was really not easy. Shortly after 6:30 Dr. Kay came to talk to me. He explained that it had taken two hours for anesthesiology to get Nelson ready for surgery. Dr. Kay assured me that he had taken only an hour and a half, just like he said. He said that Nelson was probably feeling like a pin cushion. That didn’t sound good.
The man who was staffing the OPS help desk warned me that it could take up to five hours for Nelson to come out of recovery. Not so for Nelson. He was back in his room by 8:30. He was WIDE awake and the block was pretty much completely worn off. He said that the anesthesiologist had stuck him no less than 50 times trying to get the block in. And then, he was awake before the surgery was over, which we wasn’t supposed to happen. He had been assured that he would sleep (in that dream state) for the entire procedure. It took so little time in recovery because he was awake before he ever got to recovery.
I hung out with him in his room, making sure he was comfortable and everything was in reach before I left to get home. I got home shortly after 10. I ate a little something and headed to bed.
Today…I took the day off because no one in the hospital could tell me when Nelson would be released. When I asked when the doc thought he’d be released, he said it all depended on how he did and the PT report. When I asked what time Nelson would see PT no one could give me an answer. With no definite time for release, I figured I’d be the best person to just sit and wait.
In the brief moment I had with Dr. Kay, he explained what he did and saw when he did the fusion. He said that when they got in there, they found that Nelson had no cartilage in the ankle—that explained all the pain: bone on bone. Makes me hurt to try and imagine it.
So, I better get moving. Blessings on your day! And thanks again for your prayers!
Well, what we have here is a failure to communicate. Out-patient surgery. When you hear that, what do you think? We made the erroneous assumption that it meant that Nelson would be coming home after his surgery. When he went through the paperwork with the OPS nurse who prepped him nothing was mentioned to make us think otherwise. The doctor came in and boom: he was now staying overnight. Say what? He would be staying overnight and would be released in the morning.
When this all began, I told my employers that I wanted to take off both the day of and after surgery. Because we thought he was coming home the night of surgery and would most likely be sleeping all day the next day I made arrangements to work half day today and all tomorrow. Now, I’m hanging out in the surgery waiting room trying to figure out I’m going to get Nelson home.
I’m not upset that Nelson is spending the night. I was hoping that they would keep him a while and monitor (and medicate) his pain. But now I’m concerned about him getting home tomorrow while I’m at work. I called my supervisor and apologized for the possible need to cancel my work/appointments tomorrow. He didn’t answer so I left a message.
Then I called Beth to brainstorm with her. She’s willing to drive up to Akron and get Nelson in the morning. The only problem is that we’re not sure when the doctor will release him. If it’s early, that’s no problem, but if it’s late, Beth has to work. As soon as I was done with Beth, Bob called and said he’d understand if I’d have to cancel tomorrow. I wouldn’t be so worried about taking time off if I hadn’t been sick two weeks ago. Right now my head hurts.
When the anesthesiologist met with Nelson today he said he could tell as he walked toward Nelson that he was going to be a problem. He suggested a spinal block instead of general anesthesia. They just called (4:55PM) from the OR to say that they were running behind.
*****************************************************************************
Home again, home again. As the clock ticked towards 6:30 I was starting to feel a little fretful in my gut. I was trying to not imagine the worst, but it was really not easy. Shortly after 6:30 Dr. Kay came to talk to me. He explained that it had taken two hours for anesthesiology to get Nelson ready for surgery. Dr. Kay assured me that he had taken only an hour and a half, just like he said. He said that Nelson was probably feeling like a pin cushion. That didn’t sound good.
The man who was staffing the OPS help desk warned me that it could take up to five hours for Nelson to come out of recovery. Not so for Nelson. He was back in his room by 8:30. He was WIDE awake and the block was pretty much completely worn off. He said that the anesthesiologist had stuck him no less than 50 times trying to get the block in. And then, he was awake before the surgery was over, which we wasn’t supposed to happen. He had been assured that he would sleep (in that dream state) for the entire procedure. It took so little time in recovery because he was awake before he ever got to recovery.
I hung out with him in his room, making sure he was comfortable and everything was in reach before I left to get home. I got home shortly after 10. I ate a little something and headed to bed.
Today…I took the day off because no one in the hospital could tell me when Nelson would be released. When I asked when the doc thought he’d be released, he said it all depended on how he did and the PT report. When I asked what time Nelson would see PT no one could give me an answer. With no definite time for release, I figured I’d be the best person to just sit and wait.
In the brief moment I had with Dr. Kay, he explained what he did and saw when he did the fusion. He said that when they got in there, they found that Nelson had no cartilage in the ankle—that explained all the pain: bone on bone. Makes me hurt to try and imagine it.
So, I better get moving. Blessings on your day! And thanks again for your prayers!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Prayers Appreciated
I'm getting ready to take Nelson to the hospital for his surgery. He hasn't eaten since last night...and he's hungry (weak smile, fearing the hungry bear).
Thankfully, I'll be driving into Akron in a non-rush hour. I'm going someplace new...always leaves me tense. So, I'll be tense upon tense. (smile faltering)
I taught this morning. It went so well. (smile returning)
When I got home, Nelson told me that he and Asher were having a moment. Asher was on Nelson's lap for his morning tickle-fest. As Asher attempted to squirm away, Nelson said, You going no-where Mister! To which Asher replied: I'm going yes-where. (full fledged smile and giggle)
I'll be back tonight to let you know how things went. I really would appreciate your prayers.
Blessings and smiles!
Thankfully, I'll be driving into Akron in a non-rush hour. I'm going someplace new...always leaves me tense. So, I'll be tense upon tense. (smile faltering)
I taught this morning. It went so well. (smile returning)
When I got home, Nelson told me that he and Asher were having a moment. Asher was on Nelson's lap for his morning tickle-fest. As Asher attempted to squirm away, Nelson said, You going no-where Mister! To which Asher replied: I'm going yes-where. (full fledged smile and giggle)
I'll be back tonight to let you know how things went. I really would appreciate your prayers.
Blessings and smiles!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Mission/Purpose
This morning our ABF teacher (my most favorite professor)shared a story about a woman who had come through the seminary, who was estranged from her family, and who was diagnosed with cancer and ultimately died surrounded by her seminary family. At one point friends gathered and after they prayed she prayed. Dr. Flora said he only heard four words: privilege, beauty, and two others I can’t recall.
That got me to thinking. What four words would you like to have people use when they remember you? Mine? I’ve mulled this one over all afternoon. Here’s sort of the process I went through:
Inspiring, insightful, compassionate, loving
Approachable, energetic, determined, friend
Motivational, spiritual, fun, connected
Leader, creative, visionary, smart
Now, how do I pull just four out of that? I asked Nelson to pick four words and he said he didn’t know. He was polite and reluctant. That didn’t leave me feeling very good.
The lesson this morning focused on Psalm 27. There are a couple verses in that Psalm that have spoken to my heart, verse 10 in particular. This morning Dr. Flora emphasized verse 4:
4 I'm asking the Lord for only one thing. Here is what I want. I want to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life. I want to look at the beauty of the Lord. I want to worship him in his temple.
Dr. Flora said this was a sort of Old Testament mission statement. That caught my ear. I help people write their mission statements every week and here was a model from forever ago. How cool is that?
It reminded me of when I was a energetic, young pastor. All the pastors I hung around with had a verse that defined their philosophy/mission in ministry so I figured I better decide what mine was going to be. I read and read and finally stumbled onto Colossians 2:2 in the New International Version. It fit me well, and I thought it was cool that it started out with “my purpose.”
2My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, (NIV)
As I was getting started in this position, I had to take all the classes that I would be teaching. That meant I sat in on the lecture on creating a personal mission statement and had to come up with one. Using our formula I came up with: My purpose is to encourage, unify, and restore to greater wholeness the people with whom I cross paths.
After I wrote it remembered my “purpose” verse from nearly thirty years before. What that seemed to confirm for me is that I had really landed on my purpose verse all those years before and it was still true, which is a solid indicator that it really is a life mission statement.
Recently, I found this translation of my verse:
2I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery. (The Message)
I really like the image of a tapestry of love and our lives weaving together. Being in touch with God is so cool. To be in touch with God infers solid connection. And minds that are confident, at rest, and focused. I can definitely wrap my life around that!
So have you come up with your four words yet?
That got me to thinking. What four words would you like to have people use when they remember you? Mine? I’ve mulled this one over all afternoon. Here’s sort of the process I went through:
Inspiring, insightful, compassionate, loving
Approachable, energetic, determined, friend
Motivational, spiritual, fun, connected
Leader, creative, visionary, smart
Now, how do I pull just four out of that? I asked Nelson to pick four words and he said he didn’t know. He was polite and reluctant. That didn’t leave me feeling very good.
The lesson this morning focused on Psalm 27. There are a couple verses in that Psalm that have spoken to my heart, verse 10 in particular. This morning Dr. Flora emphasized verse 4:
4 I'm asking the Lord for only one thing. Here is what I want. I want to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life. I want to look at the beauty of the Lord. I want to worship him in his temple.
Dr. Flora said this was a sort of Old Testament mission statement. That caught my ear. I help people write their mission statements every week and here was a model from forever ago. How cool is that?
It reminded me of when I was a energetic, young pastor. All the pastors I hung around with had a verse that defined their philosophy/mission in ministry so I figured I better decide what mine was going to be. I read and read and finally stumbled onto Colossians 2:2 in the New International Version. It fit me well, and I thought it was cool that it started out with “my purpose.”
2My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, (NIV)
As I was getting started in this position, I had to take all the classes that I would be teaching. That meant I sat in on the lecture on creating a personal mission statement and had to come up with one. Using our formula I came up with: My purpose is to encourage, unify, and restore to greater wholeness the people with whom I cross paths.
After I wrote it remembered my “purpose” verse from nearly thirty years before. What that seemed to confirm for me is that I had really landed on my purpose verse all those years before and it was still true, which is a solid indicator that it really is a life mission statement.
Recently, I found this translation of my verse:
2I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery. (The Message)
I really like the image of a tapestry of love and our lives weaving together. Being in touch with God is so cool. To be in touch with God infers solid connection. And minds that are confident, at rest, and focused. I can definitely wrap my life around that!
So have you come up with your four words yet?
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Generalist or Specialist?
The Leadership Team at Transformation Network (the ministry where I work) is reading and discussing Rick Joyner’s book, LEADERSHIP, The Power of a Creative Life. I owned in staff meeting yesterday that initially I was very put off by the book. I don’t like “success” books. I don’t like the world’s portrayal of what success is. I don’t like the cost or the outcome. I believe that we will be successful when we live out of the passion that we were created with. The more I read, the more I see that Joyner believes the same thing.
I was also initially put off by the warning that he was going to make reference to military strategy and war. I didn’t think I could relate to this as I see myself as a pacifist. I’m only in chapter seven, but I have found the illustration enlightening, both from a historical perspective and from their metaphorical use.
We’re being assigned homework of two chapters at a time. I can’t stop reading. One of the themes is that of the importance of focus. Two quotes I found particularly interesting were: “Many people are defeated by secondary success (Truman)” and “Premature responsibility breeds superficiality (Einstein).” We arrive at milestones or leap a hurdle successfully and think we’ve arrived only to be comfortable with where we are and thus never really reach the goal. And wow, could I relate to the Einstein quote. I appear responsible, like the recognition of being assigned tasks, have typically taken on too many things and therefore have never become very good other than in a general sort of way. Joyner goes on to say, “To accomplish what we are gifted to do, we must learn to refrain from that which we are not gifted to do (Leadership, p. 54).” That reminded me of a quote from Oswald Chambers: a need is not always a calling.
This hit me hard given some of the thinking I’d been doing this week. Our ministry CEO has been working to develop our structure so that we can be more focused and therefore bring a greater blessing to the Kingdom. When he wrote out a flow chart, he started with himself at the top, the VP next, and then the head of the work programs—then me, followed by two other new employees. I can’t lie, the first time I read it I was hurt. I felt diminished and devalued. Don’t scold, I feel pretty dumb about it now, especially in light of what I’m reading.
I have always struggled with wanting to do everything and be excellent at everything I do. Enter the perfectionist. I’m not proud to say that because of this I have also been far too quick to take offense when people don’t appreciate my wonderfulness. (Writing that even leaves a bad taste in my fingers.) I’ve lived with a “bring it on” sort of bravado that scoffs at the thought that I can’t do it all. That very boundary-less way of operating is what was the fodder for my poor choices and demise. Back in 99-01 I was working full-time as a mental health counselor, a senior pastor, a foster parent, a parent to my own children, a wife, and occasionally I cleaned my house.
Here’s how Dan described my responsibilities to the ministry: weekly
implementation of all items pertaining to Reentry Coordinator duties on Job Description. It’s what I do and who I am. I probably would have been okay with it until I read the job description of the guy listed below me who came on board in March. His responsibilities include: trainer for machine trades (the job Nelson was supposed to get), spiritual development coordinator, and worship opportunities. Since I’ve been with this ministry I’ve tried to talk to the CEO about spiritual development and worship opportunities. It’s been like talking to a wall and then he goes and hires someone else and someone who’s gifts in those areas I’ve struggled with. (Can you see the three year old stomping her feet, with her hands on her hips, pouting lip sticking out declaring the unfairness of all this?)
Why is it so hard for me to specialize? Do I distrust my ability to choose the right thing, so instead I do everything? What if instead of trying to keep all the plates up on the sticks and spinning, I just picked one plate and kept it up forever, would I be less valuable, less gifted…less?
I was just sitting with that for a moment and I was reminded of Jesus’ message to the churches recorded in Revelation. The church in Ephesus is chastised because it has lost its first love while the church in Laodicea receives scolding for being lukewarm. I know what my first love is, my passion is communicating and motivating others on to excellence, I leave that when I try to be and do everything—resulting in my being lukewarm instead of being on fire with passion—focused.
I started writing this on Tuesday morning and now it’s Wednesday evening. I’ve had the opportunity to teach yesterday afternoon and today. There were two moments that stuck out to me today. At one point we were discussing strengths and weaknesses. I “showed” them how to answer an interview question about their weakness. I asked for an example and then I gave them the “formula” for identifying a weaknesses and without losing a beat show that based on what they know about themselves how to turn it back into a strength while keeping it totally focused on the job they’re applying for. One woman’s comment was (and I quote) damn, she’s good. It made me laugh.
Then we moved on to a lesson where we discuss writing our mission statement. We talk quite a bit about how organizations, businesses, churches, agencies, companies all have mission statements. Then we go through a step by step process to begin to identify our mission/purpose. One of the women was sort of struggling with it so I took her written ideas and her verbal thoughts and put them on paper. She was like, “wow, you’re really good at this.” And I found myself saying out loud, “People pay lots of money for what you just got for free.” And it’s true. But I guess I’m believing more and more that it’s time to share the knowledge: the people I work with can’t afford to go to the high priced, high power professionals, but they need the help as much if not more. The people I work with can’t afford head hunters finding jobs for them—so they got me. It doesn’t get much more special than that.
Over the past few months, I’ve found myself looking at a skazillion job sites on the internet. Since I started thinking about this whole area of specializing verses generalization, I go to the sites and just sit with my fingers on the keys. I don’t need to move on. I need to move in and become more focused and better at what I’m assigned to do. It’s a little scary, but a whole lot exciting. I intend to not only be special, but a specialist.
I was also initially put off by the warning that he was going to make reference to military strategy and war. I didn’t think I could relate to this as I see myself as a pacifist. I’m only in chapter seven, but I have found the illustration enlightening, both from a historical perspective and from their metaphorical use.
We’re being assigned homework of two chapters at a time. I can’t stop reading. One of the themes is that of the importance of focus. Two quotes I found particularly interesting were: “Many people are defeated by secondary success (Truman)” and “Premature responsibility breeds superficiality (Einstein).” We arrive at milestones or leap a hurdle successfully and think we’ve arrived only to be comfortable with where we are and thus never really reach the goal. And wow, could I relate to the Einstein quote. I appear responsible, like the recognition of being assigned tasks, have typically taken on too many things and therefore have never become very good other than in a general sort of way. Joyner goes on to say, “To accomplish what we are gifted to do, we must learn to refrain from that which we are not gifted to do (Leadership, p. 54).” That reminded me of a quote from Oswald Chambers: a need is not always a calling.
This hit me hard given some of the thinking I’d been doing this week. Our ministry CEO has been working to develop our structure so that we can be more focused and therefore bring a greater blessing to the Kingdom. When he wrote out a flow chart, he started with himself at the top, the VP next, and then the head of the work programs—then me, followed by two other new employees. I can’t lie, the first time I read it I was hurt. I felt diminished and devalued. Don’t scold, I feel pretty dumb about it now, especially in light of what I’m reading.
I have always struggled with wanting to do everything and be excellent at everything I do. Enter the perfectionist. I’m not proud to say that because of this I have also been far too quick to take offense when people don’t appreciate my wonderfulness. (Writing that even leaves a bad taste in my fingers.) I’ve lived with a “bring it on” sort of bravado that scoffs at the thought that I can’t do it all. That very boundary-less way of operating is what was the fodder for my poor choices and demise. Back in 99-01 I was working full-time as a mental health counselor, a senior pastor, a foster parent, a parent to my own children, a wife, and occasionally I cleaned my house.
Here’s how Dan described my responsibilities to the ministry: weekly
implementation of all items pertaining to Reentry Coordinator duties on Job Description. It’s what I do and who I am. I probably would have been okay with it until I read the job description of the guy listed below me who came on board in March. His responsibilities include: trainer for machine trades (the job Nelson was supposed to get), spiritual development coordinator, and worship opportunities. Since I’ve been with this ministry I’ve tried to talk to the CEO about spiritual development and worship opportunities. It’s been like talking to a wall and then he goes and hires someone else and someone who’s gifts in those areas I’ve struggled with. (Can you see the three year old stomping her feet, with her hands on her hips, pouting lip sticking out declaring the unfairness of all this?)
Why is it so hard for me to specialize? Do I distrust my ability to choose the right thing, so instead I do everything? What if instead of trying to keep all the plates up on the sticks and spinning, I just picked one plate and kept it up forever, would I be less valuable, less gifted…less?
I was just sitting with that for a moment and I was reminded of Jesus’ message to the churches recorded in Revelation. The church in Ephesus is chastised because it has lost its first love while the church in Laodicea receives scolding for being lukewarm. I know what my first love is, my passion is communicating and motivating others on to excellence, I leave that when I try to be and do everything—resulting in my being lukewarm instead of being on fire with passion—focused.
I started writing this on Tuesday morning and now it’s Wednesday evening. I’ve had the opportunity to teach yesterday afternoon and today. There were two moments that stuck out to me today. At one point we were discussing strengths and weaknesses. I “showed” them how to answer an interview question about their weakness. I asked for an example and then I gave them the “formula” for identifying a weaknesses and without losing a beat show that based on what they know about themselves how to turn it back into a strength while keeping it totally focused on the job they’re applying for. One woman’s comment was (and I quote) damn, she’s good. It made me laugh.
Then we moved on to a lesson where we discuss writing our mission statement. We talk quite a bit about how organizations, businesses, churches, agencies, companies all have mission statements. Then we go through a step by step process to begin to identify our mission/purpose. One of the women was sort of struggling with it so I took her written ideas and her verbal thoughts and put them on paper. She was like, “wow, you’re really good at this.” And I found myself saying out loud, “People pay lots of money for what you just got for free.” And it’s true. But I guess I’m believing more and more that it’s time to share the knowledge: the people I work with can’t afford to go to the high priced, high power professionals, but they need the help as much if not more. The people I work with can’t afford head hunters finding jobs for them—so they got me. It doesn’t get much more special than that.
Over the past few months, I’ve found myself looking at a skazillion job sites on the internet. Since I started thinking about this whole area of specializing verses generalization, I go to the sites and just sit with my fingers on the keys. I don’t need to move on. I need to move in and become more focused and better at what I’m assigned to do. It’s a little scary, but a whole lot exciting. I intend to not only be special, but a specialist.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Hi, I'm Daisy.
Today is day two of Nutrisystem. I have followed the plan to the letter. I have been very pleased that I haven’t been hungry. I think in part that’s because the plan pays attention to the glycemic index. If you put the right stuff in the engine runs better.
Now, I want to go on record to assure you that I didn’t win the lottery. Yes, Nutrisystem is more costly than eating mac and cheese, but Nelson got this batch off ebay for a really good price. I will be doing this for the month of June to kick start my weight loss goals.
Today I had my follow up appointment with the doctor. The results were mostly good. My liver enzymes were good; no signs of diabetes; blood counts are good; and thyroid function is good. My cholesterol though is over what is recommended. My total is 218 and they don’t want you over 200. She gave me some dietary recommendations and wants me to redo my blood work in six months. I told her that I was starting Nutrisystem, and she said it wasn’t bad, but it’s not for the long haul. I agreed and explained my plan. She let me know that she’s a member of Weight Watchers and has lost 60 pounds.
This has had me thinking about my food addiction and eating disorder. Is it really that bad? Yep. I have used food to celebrate, to commiserate, to punish, to hide behind, and a whole lot of other ways that are not healthy for me. I love sweets and just don’t have the ability to stop. My parents were functioning alcoholics. If research means anything, I am likely predisposed. I never cared for the taste of alcohol, but I’ll trade up and take my sugar baked or buried in chocolate. It is an addiction.
When my boss came into work this morning he stopped at my office door and asked if I read the news. I had not gotten to the paper (I opted to be spiritual first and was reading my devotion). He informed me that are recently reassigned administrative assistant was in the police log. Since we work with the part of the population who struggles with legal issues, the Police Logs is the first section we turn to. In our town you don’t break the law in private.
So, our gal was picked up for shoplifting (a pregnancy test, cold medicine, and a bottle of vodka). She just got off probation after serving 18 months in prison for drug and alcohol related charges. She knew what she needed to do: avoid it like the plague. Like most of us, she didn’t do that which she knew.
My heart is breaking for her. I will call her, but I worry that shame may cause her to isolate and that will just make things so much worse. She had been encouraged to attend meetings, get a sponsor, but she shied away from accountability. It’s not a good thing to do. We were created for relationship, with God and one another.
And that brings me back to my conversation with the doctor and doing what I know. As she was making her pitch for Weight Watchers, she mentioned that she felt that a big part of what makes WW so successful is the meetings: connecting with people and stepping on that scale—ACCOUNTABILITY!
My weight has been creeping back on. I wanted to blame it on my thyroid or metabolism changing. I quit going to Curves, blaming it on cost and time. I don’t like the way I look or feel. I don’t want to blimp out again. That’s why I decided to start eating on purpose. But I have to quit hiding too. I may write more about the journey. This is one place where I’m comfortable wrestling with my issues. Hold me accountable. Help me do what I know I need to do.
And thanks in advance, you have been there through so many rough times. I imagine you will be now, too.
Now, I want to go on record to assure you that I didn’t win the lottery. Yes, Nutrisystem is more costly than eating mac and cheese, but Nelson got this batch off ebay for a really good price. I will be doing this for the month of June to kick start my weight loss goals.
Today I had my follow up appointment with the doctor. The results were mostly good. My liver enzymes were good; no signs of diabetes; blood counts are good; and thyroid function is good. My cholesterol though is over what is recommended. My total is 218 and they don’t want you over 200. She gave me some dietary recommendations and wants me to redo my blood work in six months. I told her that I was starting Nutrisystem, and she said it wasn’t bad, but it’s not for the long haul. I agreed and explained my plan. She let me know that she’s a member of Weight Watchers and has lost 60 pounds.
This has had me thinking about my food addiction and eating disorder. Is it really that bad? Yep. I have used food to celebrate, to commiserate, to punish, to hide behind, and a whole lot of other ways that are not healthy for me. I love sweets and just don’t have the ability to stop. My parents were functioning alcoholics. If research means anything, I am likely predisposed. I never cared for the taste of alcohol, but I’ll trade up and take my sugar baked or buried in chocolate. It is an addiction.
When my boss came into work this morning he stopped at my office door and asked if I read the news. I had not gotten to the paper (I opted to be spiritual first and was reading my devotion). He informed me that are recently reassigned administrative assistant was in the police log. Since we work with the part of the population who struggles with legal issues, the Police Logs is the first section we turn to. In our town you don’t break the law in private.
So, our gal was picked up for shoplifting (a pregnancy test, cold medicine, and a bottle of vodka). She just got off probation after serving 18 months in prison for drug and alcohol related charges. She knew what she needed to do: avoid it like the plague. Like most of us, she didn’t do that which she knew.
My heart is breaking for her. I will call her, but I worry that shame may cause her to isolate and that will just make things so much worse. She had been encouraged to attend meetings, get a sponsor, but she shied away from accountability. It’s not a good thing to do. We were created for relationship, with God and one another.
And that brings me back to my conversation with the doctor and doing what I know. As she was making her pitch for Weight Watchers, she mentioned that she felt that a big part of what makes WW so successful is the meetings: connecting with people and stepping on that scale—ACCOUNTABILITY!
My weight has been creeping back on. I wanted to blame it on my thyroid or metabolism changing. I quit going to Curves, blaming it on cost and time. I don’t like the way I look or feel. I don’t want to blimp out again. That’s why I decided to start eating on purpose. But I have to quit hiding too. I may write more about the journey. This is one place where I’m comfortable wrestling with my issues. Hold me accountable. Help me do what I know I need to do.
And thanks in advance, you have been there through so many rough times. I imagine you will be now, too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
About Me
- daisymarie
- I am 54 years old. I have been married for 32 years to one of the most incredible men on the face of the planet. Our journey hasn't been easy, but it's been rich in love, forgiveness, joy, and adventure. I'm learning daily that God really does have a plan for my life. I want to live into whatever that means...however it unfolds. I'm an ESFP with a healthy dose of ADD...I love to help people see how very incredible they are and how much love God wants to lavish on them!